The changes came subtly. Your toes would be cuter if you got a pedicure. Do your friends always have to be around? Have you ever waxed your eyebrows? Your friends are a bad influence. Why do you act…? Why can't you…?
I remember at our group Christmas party I was drinking with the shop. I don't know what "number" of drinks he had in his mind that I shouldn't surpass. But apparently I did. Up to this point he was ok with my lifestyle. This was a test I think. One of the first. I was around my EOD brothers and sisters. But he was all I could really see. All of the sudden I wasn't cute drunk. My toes weren't painted, and I had open toed shoes on so I looked like trash. I was an embarrassment to him. I thought he was kind of right. I thought he wanted me to be better for myself. And by this point I loved him already. Very much.
From then on I spent a little less time with everyone. I spent a lot of time texting and checking in with him. At one point I was on a training exercise and couldn't have my phone. The exercise lasted a couple hours. When I got to my phone I had tens of text messages. I ended up apologizing for not telling him I would be without my phone.
The thing is, he was so damn charming. He sent me flowers at work. He spoke to me of love and passion and of our future together. The high points were so blissful. So addicting. And that's why you can't see what's happening. My friends seemed to like him and seemed to enjoy a Jessica in love.
Deep breaths. It's hard to look back. It's hard to be able to recognize now the false love. And I hate myself for what im
about to say...I still miss him sometimes. It's hard not to romanticize those good, high times. It's also difficult not to feel pathetic. Not to blame myself.
IF YOU ARE GOING THROUGH THIS REACH OUT
You will be so supported. By people you probably didn't even think were your friends anymore. By strangers.
I know I'm ending this part a little abruptly, even just this glimpse is a difficult thing. To share. To think about in hindsight. But it's all a part of putting it out there. Of letting go. Of healing myself.
I remember at our group Christmas party I was drinking with the shop. I don't know what "number" of drinks he had in his mind that I shouldn't surpass. But apparently I did. Up to this point he was ok with my lifestyle. This was a test I think. One of the first. I was around my EOD brothers and sisters. But he was all I could really see. All of the sudden I wasn't cute drunk. My toes weren't painted, and I had open toed shoes on so I looked like trash. I was an embarrassment to him. I thought he was kind of right. I thought he wanted me to be better for myself. And by this point I loved him already. Very much.
From then on I spent a little less time with everyone. I spent a lot of time texting and checking in with him. At one point I was on a training exercise and couldn't have my phone. The exercise lasted a couple hours. When I got to my phone I had tens of text messages. I ended up apologizing for not telling him I would be without my phone.
The thing is, he was so damn charming. He sent me flowers at work. He spoke to me of love and passion and of our future together. The high points were so blissful. So addicting. And that's why you can't see what's happening. My friends seemed to like him and seemed to enjoy a Jessica in love.
Deep breaths. It's hard to look back. It's hard to be able to recognize now the false love. And I hate myself for what im
about to say...I still miss him sometimes. It's hard not to romanticize those good, high times. It's also difficult not to feel pathetic. Not to blame myself.
IF YOU ARE GOING THROUGH THIS REACH OUT
You will be so supported. By people you probably didn't even think were your friends anymore. By strangers.
I know I'm ending this part a little abruptly, even just this glimpse is a difficult thing. To share. To think about in hindsight. But it's all a part of putting it out there. Of letting go. Of healing myself.