This part of the story has taken me a long time to write. The act of leaving, although good for me, is still very raw. I still lost someone I loved. I still feel a little bit empty, and no matter how much I hate it, I still miss him sometimes. But this is an important part. Perhaps the most important part. This is the part where I take my life back. This is the part we are all afraid of. This is the part that needs to be done. SCROLL TO THE BOTTOM FOR A LIST OF RESOURCES AND HELP IF LEAVING AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP
I could continue to delve into all the ways I was torn down, isolated and manipulated during this relationship. I could probably write something new about that every day. If it's ok with you, I'd rather not focus on that. They are painful, and even though its been over a year since I left "John", I live some of those moments daily. I just want to take this opportunity to share how I did it. How I finally tore myself away. I am a statistic no longer.
There were admittedly many things that should have been my "final straw". The time finally came when "John" was returning from an eight month deployment. We were supposed to have his daughter "L" to ourselves for a whole month. I was so excited. Unfortunately, as a brave and rambunctious girl would tend to do, "L" broke her ankle a couple of days before she was to come to N.C. Her mom, and "John's" ex-wife, (who I'll refer to as "K") let me know what happened first. We proceeded to work out Dr.'s visits and other things "L" would need to fly and be taken care of in N.C. It's really not a big deal right? WRONG!!! As soon as "John" found out (keep in mind a BIG time change across the planet and that he was traveling) HE LOST HIS MIND...I was told to cancel "L"s flights. Then I was told to reinstate them. Then I was told I was being difficult because I wouldn't just do what he wanted. He proceeded to tell "K" what a horrible mother she was. He told "L" not to bother coming out since she couldn't be responsible enough to be careful before she went to see her dad. "L" was about 11 years old at this time. It was the largest and most disgusting display of emotional abuse and manipulation I had and probably will ever witness. At that point I started opening up to people around me.
Even "Johns" ex said to me "Jessica, if he treats you like this get out." So I battled with myself. Did I want to be the person who dumped a guy on his way home from deployment? Did I want to be the person who kept a little girl from seeing her father? Was I ready to admit to myself and others what kind of relationship I was in? I suppose the answers must have been yes. At around midnight I called "K" to let her know I was leaving "John". He had in fact treated me like that for a long time, and I had to get out now before he came back. She was so supportive. She cancelled "L"s plane tickets for me. She must have taken some time to talk to "L" about why she couldn't come to NC to see her dad. "L" was and is an amazing, beautiful human being. At no point has she ever been upset with me. In fact she encouraged me and still does. They both do. Girls if you're reading this, I love you <3
The difficult part was actually breaking up. I knew if I let him talk to me I would fall back into his charm. I blocked him from calling me. I sent his e-mails straight to spam. We were still living together, so I asked my landlord if he would deal with "John". "John" actually tried to tell the landlord I owed him money!!! That man handled the situation with more respect and grace than anyone could. Gave hime one week to move out. I stayed that week at a friends house. In a different city. When leaving a relationship like this it is very important to cut that person not only physically out of your life, but electronically as well. After I blocked him from contacting me, I had to block his coworkers and his mom too. "John" was desperate to get to me, and it was through the support of others and sheer force of will that I did not give in to him.
After he moved out, after I was working on moving on, I really thought I would be ok. I never thought I would see him again, that my message had been sent loud and clear. I was wrong about that too. Five months after all of this happened, "John" came to my home and stopped me in the street. I was completely caught off guard. He of course came to profess his love to me, but managed to tear me down still. I let him have the last word of "You have problems. You have anger issues." I walked away. I walked into my house and for the first time since every thing happened I curled into the fetal position and cried. It was kind of funny, in the beginning I don't remember crying much. Now I was shaking. Once I started crying I couldn't stop. I had let loose something in me that I had kept tamped down for too long. It didn't end there. He started calling my phone every 10 minutes. I left my house to be with a friend, and as soon as I came back inside, the phone started ringing again. I did not get much sleep that night...
The next day I went to the police station. I realized when I was driving home from work that I was afraid to go home. While there wasn't a whole lot they could do for me, they did contact his command. They also gave me a flyer for free counseling for women leaving abusive relationships. Now, I am one of those people that will be losing a hand and say "oh its not that bad". So when I decided to go in (thanks to a big push by my BFFs Liz & Joy), I immediately said "I didn't have it that bad. He never hit me. I wasn't with him that long." The lady looked at me and said "Someone else's relationships or level of abuse do NOT devalue what you went through." And then I sat there and cried some more. The whole 30 minute session. I would cry A LOT. BUCKETS. Sometimes I was ashamed. A friend said to me "You have been through so much pain. You've been keeping it all in. You have to let it out, so you can heal." So now when I cry (like right now) I do so unashamed. It's better now. It gets better everyday. It will get better for you too.
RESOURCES FOR LEAVING ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIPS:
- the hotline.org ; you can chat live or you can call 1-800-799-7233
- your local YMCA/YWCA
- local Quaker House
- Your family and your friends. Oftentimes we have alienated ourselves from those who love us best. They will forgive you. They will help you. They will love you and keep you safe.
I could continue to delve into all the ways I was torn down, isolated and manipulated during this relationship. I could probably write something new about that every day. If it's ok with you, I'd rather not focus on that. They are painful, and even though its been over a year since I left "John", I live some of those moments daily. I just want to take this opportunity to share how I did it. How I finally tore myself away. I am a statistic no longer.
There were admittedly many things that should have been my "final straw". The time finally came when "John" was returning from an eight month deployment. We were supposed to have his daughter "L" to ourselves for a whole month. I was so excited. Unfortunately, as a brave and rambunctious girl would tend to do, "L" broke her ankle a couple of days before she was to come to N.C. Her mom, and "John's" ex-wife, (who I'll refer to as "K") let me know what happened first. We proceeded to work out Dr.'s visits and other things "L" would need to fly and be taken care of in N.C. It's really not a big deal right? WRONG!!! As soon as "John" found out (keep in mind a BIG time change across the planet and that he was traveling) HE LOST HIS MIND...I was told to cancel "L"s flights. Then I was told to reinstate them. Then I was told I was being difficult because I wouldn't just do what he wanted. He proceeded to tell "K" what a horrible mother she was. He told "L" not to bother coming out since she couldn't be responsible enough to be careful before she went to see her dad. "L" was about 11 years old at this time. It was the largest and most disgusting display of emotional abuse and manipulation I had and probably will ever witness. At that point I started opening up to people around me.
Even "Johns" ex said to me "Jessica, if he treats you like this get out." So I battled with myself. Did I want to be the person who dumped a guy on his way home from deployment? Did I want to be the person who kept a little girl from seeing her father? Was I ready to admit to myself and others what kind of relationship I was in? I suppose the answers must have been yes. At around midnight I called "K" to let her know I was leaving "John". He had in fact treated me like that for a long time, and I had to get out now before he came back. She was so supportive. She cancelled "L"s plane tickets for me. She must have taken some time to talk to "L" about why she couldn't come to NC to see her dad. "L" was and is an amazing, beautiful human being. At no point has she ever been upset with me. In fact she encouraged me and still does. They both do. Girls if you're reading this, I love you <3
The difficult part was actually breaking up. I knew if I let him talk to me I would fall back into his charm. I blocked him from calling me. I sent his e-mails straight to spam. We were still living together, so I asked my landlord if he would deal with "John". "John" actually tried to tell the landlord I owed him money!!! That man handled the situation with more respect and grace than anyone could. Gave hime one week to move out. I stayed that week at a friends house. In a different city. When leaving a relationship like this it is very important to cut that person not only physically out of your life, but electronically as well. After I blocked him from contacting me, I had to block his coworkers and his mom too. "John" was desperate to get to me, and it was through the support of others and sheer force of will that I did not give in to him.
After he moved out, after I was working on moving on, I really thought I would be ok. I never thought I would see him again, that my message had been sent loud and clear. I was wrong about that too. Five months after all of this happened, "John" came to my home and stopped me in the street. I was completely caught off guard. He of course came to profess his love to me, but managed to tear me down still. I let him have the last word of "You have problems. You have anger issues." I walked away. I walked into my house and for the first time since every thing happened I curled into the fetal position and cried. It was kind of funny, in the beginning I don't remember crying much. Now I was shaking. Once I started crying I couldn't stop. I had let loose something in me that I had kept tamped down for too long. It didn't end there. He started calling my phone every 10 minutes. I left my house to be with a friend, and as soon as I came back inside, the phone started ringing again. I did not get much sleep that night...
The next day I went to the police station. I realized when I was driving home from work that I was afraid to go home. While there wasn't a whole lot they could do for me, they did contact his command. They also gave me a flyer for free counseling for women leaving abusive relationships. Now, I am one of those people that will be losing a hand and say "oh its not that bad". So when I decided to go in (thanks to a big push by my BFFs Liz & Joy), I immediately said "I didn't have it that bad. He never hit me. I wasn't with him that long." The lady looked at me and said "Someone else's relationships or level of abuse do NOT devalue what you went through." And then I sat there and cried some more. The whole 30 minute session. I would cry A LOT. BUCKETS. Sometimes I was ashamed. A friend said to me "You have been through so much pain. You've been keeping it all in. You have to let it out, so you can heal." So now when I cry (like right now) I do so unashamed. It's better now. It gets better everyday. It will get better for you too.
RESOURCES FOR LEAVING ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIPS:
- the hotline.org ; you can chat live or you can call 1-800-799-7233
- your local YMCA/YWCA
- local Quaker House
- Your family and your friends. Oftentimes we have alienated ourselves from those who love us best. They will forgive you. They will help you. They will love you and keep you safe.